the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
