**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I intend to get homeless drunk
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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