My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
