i already hear my dad disowning me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
