i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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