youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
