please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
