Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
