Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
