Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
