he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
