You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
