i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She's like a pop up book from hell.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
