i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
