The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
