hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
