she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
