True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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