I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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