Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
