Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
