PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
