So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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