I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
