The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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