I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Oh god it's open bar.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
