You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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