No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
