how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
