epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
