i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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