Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
