Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
