I think I am morally bankrupt
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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