She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just pee around me
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
