I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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