I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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