I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
