He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
