checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
