Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
