I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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