its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
