Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Threesome in a minivan. New low
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
