I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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