Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
