I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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