I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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