last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
