wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
