so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
