Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
