i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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