At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
