Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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