the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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